A veterinarian shepherds pets – and their people – through illness and death

SPRINGFIELD, Va., 5 February 2014 – My face was buried in my boyfriend’s chest, his shirt stained with my tears. Between us, I cradled my cat Vixen. Tom’s strong arms encircled us both, hopelessly shielding us from what was about to happen. The cancer had returned and was declared triumphant. It was time to end her battle with the disease.

Vixen’s veterinarian, Dr. Clayton Kilrain, opened the door of the examining room and walked in, empty handed. Without words, we positioned ourselves around a long metal table, and I placed his patient before him. He pulled out a syringe, hidden in a front pocket of his coat, and I was grateful for that small act of discretion.

Not wanting to watch as Dr. Kilrain administered the fatal dose, I placed my cheek against the fur on Vixen’s back and shut my eyes. The drugs entered her body, and her head fell forward. She was gone.

As Dr. Kilrain went to leave, he paused, reaching down to gently pet Vixen’s head.

“You were a good patient,” he said, at once honoring her life while conceding its passing.

He shut the door behind him, leaving us to grieve.

 

~~~ 

More than two years after Vixen’s death, I sat before Dr. Kilrain once again. He was the same as I remembered him: soft-spoken with a kindly demeanor, his red hair and beard perhaps flecked with a bit more gray. We sat in one of the many examining rooms at the Regional Veterinary Referral Center in Springfield, VA.

Since Vixen’s death, I had often wondered about the emotional toll euthanizing animals has on veterinarians. It is a singularly traumatic event for a pet owner, the moment a beloved animal is forever taken away. How do veterinarians cope day-to-day with treating sick animals, ending the lives of their dying patients, and the raw emotions of distraught pet owners?

“Like any unpleasant thing, if you have to experience it over and over, you get somewhat used to it,” said Kilrain. For 30 years, Dr. Kilrain has practiced veterinary medicine. He joined the Center in 1994, where he currently heads the Department of Internal Medicine.

“The goal for any treatment is to both make the animal feel better and prolong their life,” said Kilrain. “We don’t want them to live longer if it means a really harsh treatment and they’re going to feel bad the whole time.”

This means as much effort goes into relieving the suffering of the animal as treating the illness. Even if it can’t be cured, said Kilrain, usually an animal can be made to feel better, at least for some period of time.

Although Dr. Kilrain deals primarily with very sick animals, he faces the decision to euthanize relatively rarely, perhaps only every few weeks. To him, euthanasia is not an event, as many pet owners may experience it, but a broader part of caring for his patients.

“If you’ve gotten to the point where all that’s ahead of this animal is suffering,” said Kilrain, “euthanasia is not a bad thing. In that situation, it’s a good thing because you can give the animal some relief.”

Melissa White, a licensed veterinary technician who has worked with Dr. Kilrain for more than 12 years, agrees.

“In our eyes, it’s a gift that we can give these animals,” said White.

While Dr. Kilrain’s first commitment is to the treatment and comfort of his animal patients, he also recognizes that part of veterinary care is supporting his human clients through difficult decisions.

Jan McKeever is a long-term client of Dr. Kilrain’s. She has a cat and a dog, both with lymphoma.

“I find him very kind,” McKeever said. She went on to describe how he takes the time to explain things and makes himself available to answer questions. “I am appreciative of that,” she said.

As treatment for some illnesses can last months or even years, Dr. Kilrain gets to know many of his clients personally, witnessing the bond they have with their pets and their commitment to their animals’ care. For some, when the end finally comes, the loss can be very traumatic.

“We do have times where we get a little concerned that people might really fall into a very serious depression,” Dr. Kilrain said. He has on occasion recommended that distraught clients consider seeing a mental health specialist. The Center keeps the cards of counselors specializing in pet-related grief in the lobby.

When asked if working with sick and dying patients, emotional pet owners, and euthanizing animals affects him personally, Dr. Kilrain, a reserved man, said he didn’t think so.

His veterinary technician disgrees.

“Oh, I know it does,” said White. “Unfortunately, we can’t fix everything, we can’t make everyone feel better, we can’t do it sometimes. That does get to him.”

An important emotional release for Dr. Kilrain is being active in the dog community. He and his wife Sharon train and show Golden Retrievers and are members of the Potomac Valley Golden Retriever Club.

He really enjoys the agility competition with his dogs, said White. “I think that that’s kind of like a cool down for him.”

But what has helped him push through the hard days and buoyed his spirits throughout his career is his passion for his profession. When asked what he feels is the best part of his job, his eyes sparkled when he answered: diagnosing patients.

“It’s intellectually stimulating,” Kilrain said, “because these are the more complicated cases. So it’s detective work, more thinking through different possibilities.”

Like parts of a big puzzle, Dr. Kilrain fits the symptoms into possible diagnoses after gathering all the facts.

“He has such a wealth of knowledge and he thinks outside the box much more than any vet that I’ve ever worked with,” said White. “It’s just amazing the way his mind works to get everything put together and figure things out.”

But, sadly, the diagnosis is sometimes not what he hoped it would be.

“We take comfort in helping the animals feel better,” Kilrain said, “so it’s not so bad when the end comes and it just won’t work anymore, you’ve at least helped them feel better for a while.”

Elizabeth M. Grieco
American University
February 16, 2014